When I want your opinion, I’ll beat it out of you.
Men are idiots and I married their king.
You can pick your nose and pick your friends but you can’t wipe your friends on the couch.
Behind every good man, there is a good woman. And behind every good woman, there’s another man looking at her butt.
I see dumb people.
Follow your dreams… except the one when you’re at school in your underwear.
If your parents never had children, chances are you won’t either.
Behind every successful man, there is a surprised woman.
The more I know about men, the more I admire dogs.
They keep saying the right person will come along; I think a truck hit mine.
Death is life’s way of telling you you’re fired.
Mirrors can’t talk. And lucky for you they can’t laugh.
I wish I could kill the sexiest person alive but suicide is a crime!
Adults are just kids with money.
TGIF- Thank God I’m female.
Someday your prince will come. Mine took a wrong turn and is too stubborn to ask for directions.
Keep honking! I’m reloading!
Never put off till tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.
Do unto others before they do unto you.
Nothing is illegal until you get caught.
Be nice to your kids, they’ll chose your nursing home.
If it seems too good to be true, it probably is.
I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.
– Lily Tomlin
I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.
– A. Whitney Brown
I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by.
– Douglas Adam
I never forget a face, but in your case I’ll be glad to make an exception.
– Groucho Marx
I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own.
– Les Dawson
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman where the Self Help section was. She said if she told me it would defeat the purpose.
– Dennis Miller
An archaeologist is the best husband any woman can have; the older she gets, the more interested he is in her.
– Agatha Christie
Always remember that true beauty comes from within — from within bottles, jars, compacts, and tubes.
– Peter’s Almanac
Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them, and you have their shoes.”
– Frieda Norris
Behind every successful man stands a surprised mother-in-law.
– Hubert Humphrey
Children really brighten up a household. They never turn the lights off.
– Ralph Bus
Committee – a group of men who keep minutes and waste hours.
– M. Berle
