funny quotes and cute funny sayings

Everyone has a photographic memory.  Some just don’t have film.

You know the speed of light, so what’s the speed of dark?

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Join The Army, Visit exotic places, meet strange people, then kill them.

I poured Spot remover on my dog. Now he’s gone.

Evening news is where they begin with ‘Good evening’, and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.

Before borrowing money from a friend, decide which you need more.(Friend or Money !)

Death is hereditary.

There are three sides to any argument: your side, my side and the right side.

 

funny sayings quotes

Whoever said you can’t buy happiness forgot little puppies. ~Gene Hill

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I loathe people who keep dogs. They are cowards who haven’t got the guts to bite people themselves. ~Author Unknown

The average dog is a nicer person than the average person. ~Andy Rooney

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My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo is up to 99 cents a can. That’s almost $7.00 in dog money. ~Joe Weinstein

I always like a dog so long as he isn’t spelled backward. ~G.K. Chesterton

 

hilarious one liner quotes

We all can’t be heroes. Somebody has to sit on the sides and clap as they go by.

I don’t have a solution but I admire the problem.

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My ambition is to live forever – so far, so good!

Don’t follow in my footsteps, because I run into a lot of walls.

Sanity calms, but madness is more interesting.

Don’t talk about yourself so much… we’ll do that when you leave.

If you try and don’t succeed, cheat. Repeat until caught. Then lie.

 

hilarious short quotes

The ability to quote is a serviceable substitute for wit.
Somerset Maugham

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I can resist everything except temptation.
Oscar Wilde

Boy, n.:  a noise with dirt on it.

Not Your Average Dictionary

I am fond of children – except boys.

Lewis Carroll

I don’t think there’s a punch-line scheduled, is there?
Vince Lombardi

When I was a boy, the Dead Sea was only sick.
George Burns

 

hilarious coffee sayings

As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.  ~Author Unknown

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Mothers are those wonderful people who can get up in the morning before the smell of coffee.  ~Author Unknown

Way too much coffee.  But if it weren’t for the coffee, I’d have no identifiable personality whatsoever.  ~David Letterman

Sleep is a symptom of caffeine deprivation.  ~Author Unknown

Decaffeinated coffee is the devil’s blend.  ~Author Unknown

 

random hilarious sayings

“For three days after death, hair and fingernails continue to grow but phone calls taper off.”
Johnny Carson.

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“Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, ‘Where have I gone wrong?’ Then a voice says to me, ‘This is going to take more than one night.’ “
Charlie Brown.
“USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of four people make up 75 percent of the population.”
David Letterman.
“Maybe there is no actual place called hell. Maybe hell is just having to listen to our grandparents breathe through their noses when they’re eating sandwiches.”
Jim Carrey.
“Some mornings, it’s just not worth chewing through the leather straps.”
Emo Philips.

 

witty hilarious cat sayings

The cat is above all things, a dramatist.
~amusing inspirational thoughts saying by Margaret Benson

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There is just one life for each of us: our own.
~amusing thoughts by Euripides

The superior man understands what is right; the inferior man understands what will sell.
~sayings about amusing thoughts by Confucius

How do we know that the sky is not green and we are all colour-blind?
~quotes about Reality by Author Unknown

God is a comedian playing to an audience too afraid to laugh.
~amusing inspirational thoughts saying by Voltaire

 

Cool Hilarious Text Messages

I read on the newspaper that sending text messages causes a radiation that is cancerous. That’s why I have decided to stop….to stop reading newspapers.

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Just got the result of my medical exam. Malala na raw ang sakit ko. Sabi ng doctor, I’m getting cuter everyday. But don’t worry, di raw nakakahawa. Gud am.

You asked for a candle and got the sun. You asked for a glass of water and received the ocean. You asked for a cute friend and got ME. Suwerte mo talaga.

Girl ur clever, girl ur smart, girl ur like a work of art, girl ur sexy,girl ur fine,d only thing u aint is mine!

Upon waking up, I asked God to send you an angle to keep you safe through the day. So get up now and take a bath so you won’t scare the angel away.

Those innocent eyes… Those kissable lips… A great smile… The perfect walk… Smoothest talk… Absolutely gorgeous.. Thats enough bout me-How r u?

 

funny hilarious sayings quotes

I wish I could kill the sexiest person alive but suicide is a crime!

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Adults are just kids with money.

TGIF- Thank God I’m female.

Someday your prince will come. Mine took a wrong turn and is too stubborn to ask for directions.

Keep honking! I’m reloading!

Never put off till tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.

Do unto others before they do unto you.

Nothing is illegal until you get caught.

Be nice to your kids, they’ll chose your nursing home.

If it seems too good to be true, it probably is.

 

Hilarious Wedding Quotes – Humorous Marriage Quotations

Successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person.
German Greer
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There is nothing nobler or more admirable than when two people who see eye to eye keep house as man and wife, confounding their enemies and delighting their friends.
Homer

The woman cries before the wedding and the man after.
Polish Proverb

Marriage is a three ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.
Anonymous

When a woman steals your husband, there is no better revenge than to let her keep him.
Anonymous

The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.
Henry Youngman